2005-11-22 - 7:27 a.m.
yesterday was just kind of a bad day for me. hormones suck. made it to my appointment in plenty of time, got called in really quickly and then SAT for a while, and was very glad that i'd worn two shirts, because it's always freezing in the exam rooms. got some sketching done, working out the rough for a painting i want to start working on sometime soon.
talked to Dr. Kan, about three things i want to work on, about the stress, about the panic attacks, and he gave me some good tips and some... well, not quite ultimatums, but it felt like it, as down as i was. and while i got to talk to him a bit about how things are going, i didn't get the chance to really talk myself out, which was a little frustrating and left me feeling more than a little unresolved. but we agreed to leave the dosage as it is (20mg) and see how that goes.
i feel really, really stupid. i was so down yesterday that my hands kept shaking and i was took freaked out by myself to trust myself driving... but i was also resisting the idea, because, damnit, angel drives me EVERYWHERE, i should fucking well be able to drive myself to the market, you know? having to go pick up my prescription should NOT have me freaking out. i wrote and sent an email to my cousin in Japan letting him know we'd be in Tokyo later in December and then sorted my laundry while i came to terms with the fact that i was going to have to ask someone to come with me.
however, before i could get downstairs with my laundry and do so, i found myself faced with a reminder that i need to ask if i need help or want someone to go with me, or else i could cause resentment, which is not wanted. which i knew, and which was why i was going to ask when i got downstairs. having been pre-empted when i was doing the right thing for once was apparently too much for me, because i ended up crying for a few minutes, one of those painful cries where the throat closes down because part of me doesn't want anyone to know i'm crying. nevermind that i went downstairs and said i'd been crying when i finally got myself together enough to do so. i suppose it helps that i knew why i was crying -- hormones suck.
got laundry started, watched angel dispose of a bunch of old hair-care products and dog-care supplies, and then headed out to pick up the prescription, which took pretty much the last of my cash (although that was to be expected), and once we got back it was time to face writing an email i had for weeks hoped i would not have to type. i had finally accepted it, though -- i had to bow out of my oldest friend's wedding, because i just could not handle the stress. not because of anything she was doing, she was really being quite understanding about things, but because i would stress myself out to the point of nervous breakdown trying to make sure everything was right. i want to be able to smile. i want to be able to be there. if i were still MoH, i'd be broken down crying and hiding in my hotel room, come the day of the wedding. i didn't want that. if she decides to come running down off the altar and drag me up to stand beside her, that's fine, and i'll go, blushing all the way, but... i wouldn't survive the run-up, still in the wedding party.
after the email, i went downstairs and completed the marker piece i'd begun working on the previous day, and it looks amazing. i wish the whole thing fit on the scanner, though -- i lose half an inch along one side when i scan it.
damn, fingers are freezing. i should probably get dressed for work, although it's not even 8 yet.
let's see, the rest of the day... i was pretty much down, although i wasn't crying or miserable. i just wasn't at all peppy, and characters kept shutting up on me. meals were:
breakfast: the last packets of green milk tea, rice chex with 1%milk.
lunch: (cheap bento) two item bento (salmon teriyaki, gyoza, salad, edamame, orange slices, two of angel's california rolls) hot tea.
treat: small cake-batter ice cream with caramel and mini marshmallows mixed in.
dinner: vegetable soup with barley, sliced block cheddar cheese, lemonade.
dessert: lemonade.
okay, it's 7:50 now, so i'm gonna go get dressed. woo. update will happen tonight.
